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A Columbia County Boy's Recollections and Memories of Columbia County Florida (2012) Lenvil H. Dicks

A LITTLE HUMOR

Mr. Brown had a very fine cow, of which he was very proud, and since the Cattle Fair started the next
day he wanted to enter the cow in the fair because he felt like there was no doubt at all that she would
win the blue ribbon.

He had an old colored gentleman working for him named Hiram, and he said, “Hiram lets go out to the
bam and put the finishing touches on getting the cow groomed for the fair, and 1’11 get up early in the
morning and put her on the trailer and take her to the fair”.

So Mr. Brown and Hiram went out to the barn, and Mr. Brown was extremely disturbed to find that the
cow was weaving back and forth on her feet, and acting as if she was apt to fall over any moment, and
he noticed that her eyes were crossed something terrible. He said, “Hiram we can’t take the cow to the
fair with her eyes in that shape. Let me go and call the veterinarian and let him come over and see if he
can do anything”.

So the vet came over and looked at the cow and said, “Mr. Brown, do you have a piece of pipe lying
around somewhere 3 or 4 feet long?” Mr. Brown replied, “Yeah I think I can find a piece of pipe” and
he went off and brought back a piece of pipe about 3 A feet long. The veterinarian took the pipe and
inserted it into the rectum of the cow, and told Mr. Brown, “Now you stand up there in front of the cow
and watch her eyes carefully and I’m going to blow in this pipe. When I have blown a sufficient amount,
her eyes should straighten up and she’ll be alright”.

So Mr. Brown got up in front of the cow and started watching her eyes, and the veterinarian began to
blow into the pipe, and in a few seconds Mr. Brown said, “Wow doc! That’s just right, her eyes are
perfectly straight now”. So the veterinarian took the pipe out and threw it over against the wall and said,
“Well I’ll send you a bill.”

So the next morning Mr. Brown and Hiram went out to load the cow on the trailer and lo and behold the
cow’s eyes were again crossed, even worse than they had been before. Mr. Brown said, “Hiram, I
believe that we saw exactly how that veterinarian did this thing, and I’m going to get the pipe and insert
it, and do the blowing, and you get up in front of the cow and tell me when her eyes get straight”. So
they each took their position, Hiram looking straight at the cow’s eyes, and Mr. Brown blowing into the
pipe. After a few moments Mr. Brown said, “Her eyes straight yet?” Hiram said, “No, they haven’t
moved a bit!” So Mr. Brown again began to blow and in a few moments said, “What about now?”
Hiram said, “No sir, they still haven’t moved any, you haven’t done any good maybe you are doing it
wrong”.

Mr. Brown said, “Hiram you come back her and blow and I’ll stand up there and check her eyes out and
maybe it will work that way”. The first thing Hiram did was to remove the pipe from the cow’s rectum,
and switch ends with it. Mr. Brown saw him do this and said, “No Hiram I don’t believe it makes any
difference which end of that pipe you blow into”.

Hiram then said, “Yes sir, Mr. Brown, but you don’t expect me to put my mouth on that pipe where you
done had yours do ya?”

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